Hi Friends,I talk a lot about how Dialectical Behavioral Therapy has changed my life, but I don't talk enough about why it changed my life. It can be really hard to trust ourselves, especially in a work where we are constantly inundated with information about what we should do. If you have a history of trauma or childhood trauma, that ability to trust yourself became even more difficult to access, and understandably so.
I used to severely struggle with black and white thinking, or something mental health professionals also call “splitting.” This means that a situation or a person is all good or all bad, and individuals with black-and-white thinking typically struggle to find the “middle path” or the grey area where people can be both good and have bad traits.
I would constantly go from 'He is the best, most perfect boyfriend ever' to 'He is a horrible boyfriend' whenever he did something that upset, disappointed, or triggered an insecurity. This thinking largely contributed to the long string of turbulent, unfulfilling relationships I had in my 20s.
What I didn't realize at the time was that this thinking was actually trying to protect me.
If I could focus on everything someone did wrong, it felt safer. If I could create a long list of reasons why they weren't right for me, then maybe it wouldn't hurt as much if they left or if the relationship ended. It's much easier to recover from heartbreak when you've convinced yourself the other person was terrible.
The problem is that people are rarely all good or all bad. When we get stuck in black-and-white thinking, we lose our ability to see the full picture. We stop responding to what's actually happening in the relationship and start reacting to our fears instead.
Many individuals with trauma were taught to ignore their intuition to feel safe because not ignoring that intuition would have meant potentially accepting that the very people meant to keep us safe were actually the ones harming us. From a biological perspective, especially as children, honoring our intuition would require acknowledging painful realities.
Consequently, relationships can be fundamentally difficult. When we oscillate between emotions, facts, logic, and our intuition, it can create what we call rumination, or the anxious spiral. Oftentimes, this rumination reflects far more of someone's internal state than the state of the relationship or their partner. This can lead us to black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking as we try to create certainty in things we inherently cannot.
This is a trauma response, meant to create a sense of certainty and safety. The problem is that this type of thinking leads to being more reactive, engaging in unstable relationships with self and others, and removing our ability to trust our intuition and make decisions from a grounded place. The key is to master grey-area or middle-path thinking.
What fascinated me was discovering that DBT isn't just helpful because it gives us better coping skills. Research suggests that DBT can actually improve emotion regulation and is associated with changes in brain regions involved in emotional reactivity. In other words, it doesn't just change how we think; it can change how we respond to stress.
My favorite part about DBT is that it's not just another talk therapy tool. If you are like me, you like tangible facts, achievable goals, and tasks that are structured with measurable outcomes.
DBT is just that. Traditionally, DBT functions much more like a course, or group class work, than talk therapy because it's not focusing on processing or rehashing painful experiences; its core focus is like “Okay, so you are struggling, let's talk about how you can manage it.”DBT teaches tangible, usable, and evidence-based tools to change your brain, your life, and your relationship to self and others. In fact, a landmark 1991 controlled trial found DBT reduced parasuicidal behavior and psychiatric hospitalizations in chronically at-risk patients, partly because Wise Mind gave them a concrete, teachable goal.
Wise mind is one of DBT’s core tools to help integrate emotion mind, with logic mind, and walk the middle path in thinking.
You can learn more about the details of the wise mind and how to use this in your day-to-day life and relationships. Check out my free “Anxiety or Red Flag” Guide on my YouTube or Spotify below.
How to Trust Yourself in Relationships (DBT Wise Mind Explained) AIRS TONIGHT 7PM MST!!!:
Thank you so much for staying tuned. And remember, you got this.
With Love,
Kaytlyn
References
Goodman, M., Carpenter, D., Tang, C. Y., Goldstein, K. E., Avedon, J., Fernandez, N., Hazlett, E. A., et al. (2014). Dialectical behavior therapy alters emotion regulation and amygdala activity in patients with borderline personality disorder. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 57, 108–116.
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.Linehan, M. M., Armstrong, H. E., Suarez, A., Allmon, D., &
Heard, H. L. (1991). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of chronically parasuicidal borderline patients. Archives of General Psychiatry, 48(12), 1060–1064.Lynch, T. R., Trost, W. T., Salsman, N., & Linehan, M. M. (2007). Dialectical behavior therapy for borderline personality disorder. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 3, 181–205.
Neacsiu, A. D., Rizvi, S. L., & Linehan, M. M. (2010). Dialectical behavior therapy skills use as a mediator and outcome of treatment for borderline personality disorder. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 48(9), 832–839.
Tucker, J. (2024, December 13). Understanding Wise Mind: A Balanced Approach to Decision-Making. Carencia. https://carencia.com/blog/understanding-wise-mind-a-balanced-approach-to-decision-making/
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Mamas and Coffee®
I'm Sybil Jones, the voice behind Mamas and Coffee® — where we empower women through REAL and RELATABLE conversations about ALL aspects of life. You'll also find me talking about stroke (I am a stroke warrior)to raise life-saving awareness and a light sprinkle of MilSpouse Conversations because, well, I'm also a military spouse. |
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Rise and Recreate
I’m Raechel, creator of Rise and Recreate. After leaving behind a ‘safe’ life to follow my intuition, I’ve made it my mission to help others release old stories, shift their energy, and recreate lives that feel authentic and free! |
My Post Popular Posts
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